DEPT OF NO-HIO

From the free local mailer The ADvocate [sic], an unfortunate mismatch of headline and photo:

"SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY," AKA THE INCIDENT REPORT IS BACK

At last, the Park Rapids Enterprise, my hometown newspaper and former employer, is back in my mailbox twice a week! How I have missed you, Incidents report! Here is a double-dose to make up for lost time. Just to set the tone here, the headline on the August 28 issue was A LONG HOT SUMMER: AGGRAVATION AND ALCOHOL, with sordid mug shots of four mothers busted for DUI with kids in the car. (Inside the issue, lighter fare: "RU ready 4 Gr8 high tech angling?")

Here we go, a selection of the finest:

Miscellaneous: Aug 23: Three females were "possibly smoking pot" on the Akeley beach; A Park Rapids caller reported someone pounding on her bathroom window; Someone appeared to be breaking into a garage in Park Rapids, call canceled, a bridal shower just concluded and they were throwing something a way; A Laporte resident stated she was in the Twin Cities and asked individuals to watch the house, advising them not to throw any parties, she now states there have been parties at the residence [Shocking! —ed.] with underage drinking [ibid.] and she wants everyone removed; A gun was found in a Park Rapids shopping cart; Aug 24: A toddler was on the highway in front of Bullwinkle's in Nevis, callre removed child before mother came to find child; Juveniles were reported breaking bottles and laughing in Park Rapids; A Park Rapids caller let her dogs out and heard a gunshot in the alley behind her house, saw two males running and a truck window shot out; Boys in a vehicle were driving by, threatening caller, her animals, and fiancé in Lakeport Township; Screaming was heard in Arago Township, responding officer requesting another squad for a search; Aug 25: A possible Internet scam via e-mail was reported in Rockwood Township; A Lake Emma Township caller reported the neighbor running a boat about 15 feet from the dock at high speeds while they are swimming, "they are having other issues with the neighbors and are in a civil dispute"; A Park Rapids caller reported receiving a phone call telling her she won $5 million, he called again and said he would come to her house and show her the check, she is afraid and told him not to come; A Park Rapids caller thinks a male is taking pictures of kids and downloading them on a computer; A Park Rapids caller reported receiving threatening text message from her daughter's boyfriend's extranged wife; Animal related: A Guthrie Township caller reported the neighbor may be letting the horses out; A bear was hit on Highway 2 just inside Hubbard County, bear left the scene, minor damage to vehicle; Car vs. deer was reported in Lake Alice Township.

Whew. That is only one of them, and only the half of it. I left out all the standard cell-phone fights and problematic dogs and restraining order requests and reckless trucks. Are you ready for more, reader? I am. One week earlier...

Miscellaneous: Aug 16: A caller reported people putting firecrackers into mailboxes, when she let her dog out they were scared off and it now appears they locked their keys in their car that's running in the middle of the road.

Really, why go any farther? That one stands alone.

Okay, just a couple more:

Neighbor kids were reported hitting the side of a trailer house, "she has yelled at them to stop but they won't," parents aren't home; A Crow Wing Lake caller reported "suspicious activity, someone taking empty dog food cans and using them for target practice"; A Park Rapids caller reported a young child and an open bottle of liquor in a vehicle in Park Rapids; A tape deck and medication were reported stolen from a vehicle in Park Rapids; A Park Rapids caller thinks someone stole a vehicle and brought it back; A Park Rapids caller reports she has asked the neighbors to keep their dog on a leash, now the neighbor's dog is "stuck" to her dog that is tied in the yard, dispatch suggested she throw cold water on the dogs. 

And people think small towns are boring.